I am a good girl. I don't drink, or swear, or rat my hair (shout out to my girl Rizzo). Okay, that's not true. I do drink and swear but I still consider myself a good girl. I was taught to be respectful, compassionate, open minded, and honest. I try to live up to those values every day-and sometimes I fail spectacularly.

I am passionate about things I believe in and I have a fiery temper. I can not "Bless Your Heart." This does not satisfy my thirst to make sure you understand exactly where I stand. When I get upset I turn into a real life Julia Sugarbaker.

As a child I once called my grandfather a racist. I love him dearly but I didn't like what he had to say and I told him so.

During the holidays I reduced a Wal-Mart cashier to tears without even trying. She was having trouble ringing something up and as opposed to asking for help she just kept scanning the same item over and over again to no avail. I politely suggested she ask for help. She turned on her light and stood there. Then I politely suggested she continue scanning the rest of my items while waiting for help. She turned OFF her light. I NOT so politely suggested she turned her light back on while scanning my remaining items so she could to be productive while waiting for a manager. Apparently this idea ROCKED her world. She stood there with a puzzled look on her face her eyes darting back and forth between the light and the scanner as if it was Sophie's choice. Finally, I said "How about we get that manager right behind you to come over and help us." The concept of exiting the protected walls of her cashier fortress and having to face me the evil bitch dragon was too much for her to handle. She stood frozen. I got fed up and walked over to the manager and tapped him on the shoulder and said "My cashier clearly needs some assistance!" As the manager approached the girl burst into tears and ran off to tell her fellow Wal-Mart employee (YES, I could still see AND hear her) what an evil raving bitch dragon lady I was.

You are probably thinking that because I was at Wal-Mart I should not except decent service. I call BULL***T. If I give you my money I expect you to hire people with enough intelligence and problem solving skills to ring up my purchase without spiking my blood pressure. I suppose if I was a superhero my talent would be getting you a refund or rectifying poor service. Some of my friends (cough, Emily, cough) have asked me to call into a customer service department and pretend to be them in order to harness the power of my bitchy-ness.

Despite my temper and occasional tourettes fits I do have a soft side. I love my friends and family with my whole heart. My favorite thing to do is loud, gut wrenching, asthma inducing, pee your pants laughing. Whomever can induce this level of laughter is my friend for life. During a recent drunken board game with friends my husband proclaimed "You have a loving heart just a loud mouth" which pretty much sums it up.

Labels: Bless your heart, Introduction, Julia Sugarbaker

Hi.
I'm not the nice one.

I'm a passive aggressive vindictive bitch.

I like fried ham and potatoes for breakfast.

I'm a good Catholic girl who leaves God in her heart and out of your face.

I have a pathological hatred towards writing thank-you notes.

I'm a conservative Democrat, please just don't tell my Parents.

I asked for new boobs for my birthday.

I let my children listen to music with curse words.

And it makes me happy.
I like being happy, and I struggle to stay there.

I'm currently involved in a cross town moving extravaganza. It's making me meaner than usual. Stress is not my friend.

I did tell the buyers of my house I would leave the extra paint cans, but that was before they made my life a living HELL by being complete jack-wads about the move out date. I actually have to close on two houses and move all in one day. It's not impossible, but with two kids it's a teeny bit stressful. I totally understand that the childless, apartment dwelling assholes need a three day weekend to move their one bedroom place to my packed three bedroom.

I'm totally keeping the paint, y'all.

I don't need it. I just have a hate on for those fuckers. I'm keeping my take-out folder too. And I'm cancelling the maid I had scheduled. All I wanted was ONE extra day to get everything together and make a smooth transition. Did I mention they have two weeks after we close to move out of their place but I can't even get ONE day?

To think I was postponing potty training my youngest to keep our/their new carpets nice and fresh. That was quite the mistake right there. One I still have time to rectify.

But my Mamma taught me better manners than that.

Labels: Introduction, Moving Woes

It's funny that I ended up being the first one to introduce myself, because the other two tend to think of me as the "nice one" and get all surprised when I get bitchy.

It's not that I'm not a bitch, or that I'm not nice.

It's just that I'm southern, born and raised.Ever heard a southern girl say "bless her heart"? Or, worse (because, trust me, it is worse), "bless your heart"?

Sweetie, you just got ripped to shreds. And I bet that southern gal didn't so much as bat an eye.

"Bless her heart, that salesgirl doesn't know her Crane from her Carlson Craft." (I used to work in a stationery store - a mecca for southern ladies.) "Oh bless his heart, he just stepped right in that dog crap and didn't even notice." "Honey, bless your heart, that outfit is so colorful."

Of course, the trick to working at the stationery store, and the reason you never actually hear me say the dreaded phrase, is that everyone there knows it. So at some point, one learns to say it without saying it. Just that tone in your voice, the look in your eye; you know you're saying it in your head, the people who know you best know you're saying it, but the customer doesn't have a clue. "Here's your change, in exactly 23 quarters, 12 nickels, and 16 pennies, as you requested (bless your heart)." (In case you haven't figured it out, that one meant, "You complete lunatic.")

So, you know... you just go on thinking I'm the nice one. Bless your heart.

Labels: Bless your heart, Introduction

We would not be true southern fried bitches if we did not properly welcome you to our blog with all the southern hospitality the we can muster. So pour yourself a glass of tea and sit down with us!

However, don't let our hospitable nature fool you. Like most southerners we are passionate, colorful, eccentric, and not afraid to tell it like it is.
You may ask why southern fried bitches? Well, let's break this down.

Southern: because we are three lovely Texas ladies.

Fried: because much like us all fried things are delicious and highly sought after at fairs and carnivals. (Side note: If you are having an ugly day and feeling down about your looks head on down to any local fair or carnival. You will be the belle of the ball!)

Bitches: This one is a bit more complicated. Why would three such lovely ladies use such a derogatory term to define ourselves? Well, we here at southern fried bitches have decided to embrace the word bitch. Bitch is often defined as the following:

• a female dog: Who wouldn't want to be a majestic female canine? She feeds, protects, nurtures her puppies until they are strong healthy dogs that go out into the world and sniff out drugs, find mising children, and help blind people. And heaven knows, we (well, two of us) love our dogs. Woof, Woof!
• a lewd woman: What would life be with a little lewdness?
• a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman: Find us a woman who has not had a moment in her life when she felt her own behavior was malicious, unpleasant, or selfish and we will find you a unicorn that poops diamonds. Recognizing that none of us are perfect is what creates strong bonds and allows us to be truthful and honest with each other. It's why we can have frank and open converstations with our best friends and still love each other. We will take that any day over the "let's take this outside" method of most men.
• anything difficult or unpleasant: Overcoming difficult and unpleasant obstacles is the female speciality. Childbirth being the ulitmate example.
• to complain; gripe: Everyone needs to gripe now and then! If we never gripe how would we discover all the struggles we share and devise ways to overcome them?
• anything memorable, esp. something exceptionally good: Why thank you! We resemble that remark.
  

So now you can own the word bitch! When people call you bitch you can think of it as a compliment and know that you have many, many sisters in arms. Three of whom (of the southern fried variety) are right here whenever you need us!

Labels: Introduction, Welcome